Getting used to the person in the mirror.

When things in your life change beyond your imagination you start looking in the mirror at a different vision.  A stranger actually.  As the transition happens from the old me to the new me a person needs time to adjust the vision to the stranger in the mirror. 

Today was a day of starting to see the new person...
  Not sure how to describe it, but actually smiling back at yourself is such a relief.  The sadness within my eyes still stays in the background but the new me is beginning to shine through. The new hair, yes I STILL have hair! The different shape of my face with loosing weight, the color of my skin from the drugs. 

Then there's the new odd shaped body from my surgery.  Everything seems out of wack, mind you it always has seemed that way when I look in the mirror.  But now for some reason its ok.  Maybe perhaps the process I am going through is showing a difference on the outside.  From this point all the changes have been on the inside and I couldn't accept what the outside looked like.  But now I can.  Its all worth it...the pain, the seclusion, the uncertain future because I can start to see the vision of the new me and I LIKE it.  Its the person I always wanted to be.  Relaxed, satisfied, content and taking care of myself.

Perhaps its a portion of me finally accepting that its ok NOT for everything to be ok.  Thats a new one for me as well.  I always figured I could fix everything or drove myself crazy until I turned things upside down and backwards.  Accepting that things are the way they are is calming, relaxing and very rewarding.  Driving yourself nuts because you can't fix something is so stressful, ridiculous and hard on yourself. You beat yourself up constantly thinking that you CAN find the solution. I used to think it was determination, but now I see the silence of contentment takes more determination than trying to find the solution.

Contentment in where and what you are will determine your whole sense of being.  Of how you look in the mirror at yourself.  For now, its OK.  OK for things not to be all fixed because I like who I see in the mirror.  I am not frustrated and thinking about what I should look like and what I want my world to look like.  It is what it is and I WILL enjoy every moment whether it be exciting or just sitting enjoying the quiet of the day.  Cause happiness can be found in any situation.  No matter how things look to others.  Its OK with me. ;-)