Day 508 'one' last post

My Dearest Vicki

What can I say...I miss her. More than anyone can imagine. It is with utmost sadness that I post Victoria's last entry for her. I am nowhere near the author she was.

I have watched her fight this battle for over two years. She was the strongest person that I have ever met. She was always upbeat and positive, right to the end. I was there with her all the time. I went with to to the ER when she went. I went to her Dr's appointments when she went. I was with her at every chemo treatment she had. I helped her with her meds, with her food, with her infusion pump for her chemo. I helped her dress and I tried to make her feel better whenever I could. I loved her, and she knew it! I wish that there was more that I could have done for her.

Family matters most

There was only one Vicki on this earth, and somehow I was the lucky one that was matched up with her. She accomplished so much in her short life. I will be happy if I can do just a fraction of what she has done. Do a google search for her name sometime ...you might be surprised. She was always a person who wanted to do things for people, never asking for anything in return.

The last thing she gave was her eyes. They were donated to the Eye Bank of BC, probably the only thing that a person with cancer is able to donate. I received a thank you from Vancouver Hospital yesterday, they said Vicki's eyes would go to help two people.

 'one' amazing ladybug

On Thursday Dec. 1, Cindy and I were by Vicki's bed in the hospital and saw something amazing. On the bed beside her pillow was a ladybug. It was just sitting ther, and then moved down onto the bedframe below the head of her mattress. I took a picture with my phone. None of us could figure out how this ladybug got to be in her room, and onto her bed. Remember, we were on the fifth floor, there are no windows that open, you have to come into the hospital on the ground, go down the hall, up the elevator, and then down another hallway to reach her ward, through the doors and to the right, to the end of the hall and then left into her room. This was one amazing ladybug. Too bad it wasn't purple! Was there some kind of message here?

Ray and Vicki forever

Vicki went into the hospital on the afternoon of Sunday, November 27, and was there until she left us on Tuesday December 6, at about 9:50 PM. Crystal, Cindy and I were there holding her hands and in tears. It was a nice to finally see her out of pain. No words can describe what she meant to us.

I miss you Vicki, and we WILL  be together again. Pick a nice spot for us. Thanks.........Ray

Day 495 - 'one' late return..(even posted late)

Yes, that's what this is. I wonder if that is what google blogger will do for me just like the local library does.  Than I would owe around $9.00, sheesh, lazy bones eh?

As you can guess the last month has been a struggle with my health.  Days are spent trying out new drugs to help me deal with the pain, now that that has been figured out we are focusing in my digestive system that doesn't seem to be working.  Ah what fun.  Such an education I am getting figuring how everything works...yuck! There are days that I look 5 or 6 months preggers and then there's the old lady arms.  Boy I thought I had waggy arms before but these arms could now flag down a cop!  You wonder at times what you were complaining about. 

But you know everyone seems to have something to whine about.  Right now walking for me is only by walker, but as least I can do it.  Lifting objects is dangerous because everything seems to slip out of my hands.  We are hoping that with exercise that the muscles that I have not used for ahile will gain back there strength.  So the next time you wonder why your body is fighting all the things you love to do remember that tomorrow you may not be able to do it, yep, maybe!  Because for some, tomorrow it will not!

signed one purple ladybug trying to do the best she can.  It may not be monumental but I'm trying ;-) And with the help of my angels and that shall include my hubby who is and girls to purple ladybug sit with me and shall have confidence that they stand in front, beside and behind me every step of the way. 

NOTE: THIS WAS DRAFTED BY VICTORIA ON NOVEMBER 23, 2011, BUT SHE NEVER GOT IT UPLOADED. I POSTED IT FOR HER TODAY, DECEMBER 9, 2011

Day 486 - 'one' can feel like sinking...

Sneaking some yummy ice cream before
my plumbing backed up.

But somehow you manage to sail.  That's how the last couple weeks have felt.  It has been a blur of activity between hospital, nurses, doctors and adding more medications.  At times it's amazing what your body will endure but for sure I am glad I quit my chemo treatments when I did although it seems that I will blessed to have a rapid heart beat from here on in.

Well I suppose you want more explanation of where I've been for that last while...nosey.  Most of the time, I was in a bed and trying to get my pipes unplugged.  Now doesn't that sound exciting.  I had a few days of tummy pain that reminded me of what I had before my surgery.  I was starting to feel quite dehydrated and the pain was beginning to be unbearable.  So I made the decision to visit my favorite emergency ward in Ladner.  As usual, immediate attention and I had a curtained room within 15 minutes.  They had already prepped the room for the drugs I needed and their favorite word was 'stat'.  They communicated that I had made the right decision to come in.

My new resting spot. So nice to
be out of the bedroom

The next was the usual run of tests to see if I had a blockage in my tummy.  ECG, chest Xray, abdomen Xray, blood tests and CT scan. As luck would have it the surgeon who did the work on my belly was there and he told me that they are going to run some tests but he will be probably going to get me transported to Surrey memorial so that I was ready for surgery.  Yeah an ambulance ride and right to the place I trying to avoid.  I shouldn't complain though they treated me well when I was there.

I will try and keep the story short...they found no blockage, yeah, no ambulance, wahhh, but 3 days of trying to get my tummy cleared.  Nothing was working so we decided to visit my dr. on the way home and try to get some ideas.  First time I've been out and about in a wheel chair. 

They're packing Christmas goodie
boxes to be sent across the sea.

It's been a week now and I haven't eaten solid food in over 2 weeks.  I will not get on the scale until I am eating good solid food and I'm hoping that will come in the next few days.  Maybe by the weekend.  I think we've got the medications down right now, my 6 month prego tummy now looks about 5 months along.  I still rarely have a no-chuck-up day but we are still playing with solutions and potions to solve that.  I had so much sludge in my system that litterly the food would not go into my digestive system, the only way it had to go is back up into a bucket.  Sadly it's all routine now. 

Grandkids have all been to visit but I wanted to make sure they were prepared for what gramma's looks like now and that moving around is quite a chore. They all seemed OK, although you can see it hit the older ones a little more.  Ray said today he wants his pudgy Vicki back and I agree, FAT is in!!! LOL

It's been the first day I've able to sit up for a length of time. It sure feels good, oh...I knew that it would now, sure feels good.  And on a funny note, picture this old lady walking down the hallway in her bright red robe and on route I stumble and my head makes a bullseye thud to the closed bathroom door.  I think I will need the old safety helmet soon! LOL I can report no damage to the door or my ego.

Take good care of your body ya hear, without health you are helpless. ;-)

signed 'one' purple ladybug struggling rapid waters to stay afloat.

Day 475 - 'one' boring message

Even though I haven't done this blog for 5 days my life is so uneventful that I still don't think I have the words to write one...but I know my friends and family appreciate knowing what is going on. 

I've still be struggling with eating and yesterday I was so dizzy when we went grocery shopping I finally resigned myself to taking the steroids that the dr. suggested would help my appetite return.  We always think we can figure it out on our own but we also need to realize that when we have tried everything we know it's time get on with life and get help from others whether it be in words or perhaps in the crazy world of scientific medicine. So I began to take the steroids yesterday morning again and whether its psychological or ? I felt much better by the end of the day and was putting down quite a bit of food.  woohoo

Halloween was wonderful.  Both my girls did amazing displays in their yards and seeing all the kids in their costumes was soooooo much fun.  It was a calm and quiet Halloween with fireworks going on my neighbourhood for days.  I like the fireworks that are put on at events, I don't like the danger that fireworks bring to individuals putting on a show.  Scares the BEEP out of me.

I picked up another cane yesterday.  This one will stay in the truck and the other one in the house.  The strength in my legs seems to vanish when I crouch down.  I am finding myself get quite creative avoiding that position, poor Dudley has to reach a long way to give my those wonderful doggie kisses. LOL

looking at their loot and planning trades!

So far I am focusing on the natural remedies to make me feel better and try and ward of the monster in my body.  I feel so much better not being in chemo but my body is definitely struggling to recover or to fend of my intruder.  I wonder if there is a 'true' natural remedy for cancer.  There is so much information out there is impossible to determine if 'THIS' is the one, yes, this is the one that will cure me.  What I'm doing is focusing on the ones that give me strength and make me feel better, that will be my gauge right now.

hmmmmm....

In 8 weeks 2012 will be here.  How exciting is that?  Our brains will begin to decipher if 2011 was a good year or not and whether 2012 will even be more amazing.  I think looking forward is the best thing we can do.  Ponder perhaps over the lessons we have learned in 2011 but look forward to the future and the excitement it will bring to you in your life.  Especially now that you are taking the time to enjoy what all your hard work brings to your life.  You are doing that right? right? That is sitting down and just looking at your wonderful home, family and friends and how many amazing gifts you have been blessed with in your life.  You are doing that right? right? YES, I know you are! ;-)

signed 'one' purple ladybug wondering what else those wonderful steroids will do to me?  LOL

Day 469 - 'one' strange dream

Do you remember some of the dreams you used to have as a kid.  I remember I used to dream of flying.  I used to fly down our stairs and then out into an incredible sunny day.  Then I would notice that no one could see me, what a treat that was.  Flying from place to place listening to people's conversations.  There are times as an adult that I wish I could be a fly on the wall and listen to what other's lives are like...

Day 466 - 'one' suspiciously good day!

Working in my potting area

Yep that was yesterday, one suspiciously good day. Like I said I never know what a day will bring.  As I wrote my blog first thing in the morning the uncertainty of the day frustrated me, now you do know I like to have control of things right?  right? right?  I can't hear you? LOL...

Day 465 - 'one' frosty morning

Yep the frosty mornings have arrived.  That thin white coating of fuzz on the tops of the trees and neighbours rooftops as well.  I must go get the last of my lavender soon and get it planted in its new home before frost finds itself in the warm earth...

Day 462 - 'one' stubborn turkey

Dudley was sick of us
taking pictures.  He is showing his
best side! LOL

yep that's what we had, was one stubborn turkey.  We have been trying to have turkey dinner with my youngest girls family for quite sometime now.  Either someone would get sick and trying to get the two guys work days off on the same day has been quite fun.  But we managed to do it yesterday.  Well we managed to 'think' that yesterday was the day.  Well it was my turn not to feel well.  I tried really hard to ignore the way I was feeling with the thought that if I just ignore it, it would just go away.  Yep away...

Day 461 - 'one' barf bag or two?

We spent the last 3 days in a place called Tofino on Vancouver Island.  It's the only place in BC that people can actually surf the big waves, well at least it's the only place I've seen them do it in BC.  The drive there was great until we hit the zig zag portion, yuck, or should I say barf! LOL.  What a great time we had walking on the beach that seemed to go on forever and cooking our meals together, playing cards of course and thinking about where we shall go next...

Day 457 - 'one' instant response

my body now has to food.  Gagging.  Yep isn't that exciting, and it's a great way to clear the room.  Dudley runs out of the room because he knows what will follow soon and Ray runs for my friend Bill the bucket!  It's such a weird sensation.  Most of the time it's just a disgusting noise. Aren't you glad you don't live with us and I'm sure you won't be inviting me over for a meal with you soon ;-)...

Day 450 - 'one', two, no three different people

ahh the days when I had enough
hair to use curlers.

It's been a day of contemplating the many changes I've made in my life over the past year.  Now I contemplate the changes I need to make for this new edition of me.  It has taken almost a month for my body to recover from the deluge of drugs it endured over the last year.  I'm sure it's not finished adjusting yet but feeling so normal the last few days does put a new spin on how I'm thinking...

Day 449 - 'one' excuse or another

Well hello there! It's been awhile hasn't it? Why you ask? I could use many excuses but the main was I felt like I didn't have anything new to write about.  Yep, that's true, there are times that I just don't know what to write.

The provincial Home Care system has kicked in...

Day 445 - 'one' winner

Yep...it's me! I'm in my new potting area in the back yard.
Yep...it's me!!!!

There is so much more than beating someone in a challenge to be a winner.  I see many winners everyday.  Mind you I see many losers as well.  Unfortunately it's the losers that seem to stick in our minds more than the winners.  You know those losers...

Day 444 - 'one' cool chick



On the way to the play...
the buddy holly story.

 woohoo! Yep that's what I am, one cool chick.  Bet you never thought you'd see an old lady being a cool chicky eh?  But of course you know what I am referring to right?  My temperature.  The fever seems to have left the premises, my premises that is.  This was similar to my last round of fever.  No explanation just a high fever for a few days and then it just gradually goes away.

Hubby and I went to a play last night, it was the Buddy Holly Story...

Day 440 - 'one' more week

My autumn front porch.

I'm trying to be patient really I am.  Letting my body recover from the last type of chemo recipe is taking longer than I want it to.  Silly me figured out that within a week I would be back to normal.  I mean really? My body has been in endated with all sorts of chemicals over the past year and I think in one week it will all be gone and I will have my brain and body working at 100%...boy talk about having your head in the clouds! 

Sometimes having my head in the clouds is a good thing.  Too much reality can make me grumpy for sure.  My in-house dr...

Day 437 - 'one' day left

Yep that's what I'm giving myself.  One more day.  One more day not to think about how sick I am, one more day not to fill my body with every nutrient I can, one more day not to research all the natural remedies that are coming down the coo coo network! ;-)

My journey changes on Tuesday.  I will start swallowing my wonderful green juice once if not twice a day.  I will make a smoothie in the morning that is so full of 'good' stuff that my energy level will go through the roof...

Day 435 - 'one' roller coaster ride awaits

My morning tea hangout.  I especially like the rocker.
Of course no surprise, I am a granny you know.

There are many days that I just start typing this blog without even knowing what I have to say.  Today is 'one' of those days.  I feel my head getting clearer every day but to be realistic I would feel the same even if I was having my chemo treatment Monday because I'm not into the zone of being away from chemo more days than normal...

Day 434 - 'one' thin branch

would be very hard to balance yourself on.  But as lucky as I am I have a whole tree of strong, never bending, never breaking limbs that represent my family and friends.  Over the last year I have learned very quickly who is here to support me, encourage me and cheer me on.  I have also learned who can only think of themselves, use my illness to gain sympathy and those who don't even want to be around me because of the decisions I have made.

When you get sick you start to build this enormous trust and dependence in those strong branches.  You even find out that no matter how many things you ask them to do for you that they want to do more...

Day 433 - 'one' new curve in the road

Look who decided to show up...the OLD me!

is what we've found.  Our visit to my oncologist went well.  Some people wouldn't say that but we do. We were unsure how everything would go but I needed to talk to her about how I've been feeling the last few weeks and to discuss the upcoming treatment on Monday.  

One thing I knew for sure was that if I went to the upcoming treatment as scheduled that I would end up in the hospital and they love to keep you there once they get you! LOL  Staying in the hospital for awhile was not something I wanted to do, I would rather be at home...

Day 431 - 'one' getting powered up

As you noticed there has been a slight gap in my blog for the last few days but when you can't even find the energy to sit at a computer and type...let's say it sucks!  But as I said I think that each day will get better and this morning definitely is.  To wake up with almost full brain power and my body not far behind feels amazing.  I am so lucky that I actually get the chance to feel better for a few days...

Day 430 - 'one' challenge a day

And the tent comes down...

It's been a difficult week.  A week of just struggling to get up, especially the last few days. Chemo treatment started out well but after I removed my gizmo it was unfortunately all downhill from there. 

Men at work!

There have been days again where it takes everything I have to pull myself up to walk and there have been days that staying horizontal has been my only choice...

Day 427 - 'one' more change

Building the steps to the new shed.

Today will be a day of change, not big change but removing a building that I have used for 10 years to create many things.  A pirate ship, wooden buck wagons, wooden garden wagons, a general store front, a city hall front and even the engine for a train.  I will now do smaller projects but I will have an area of my back yard to wander in the mornings...

Day 426 - 'one' season to another

Movie stars? Yep!

Well it's been an odd couple days.  Things feel very unsettled.  The weather, life, relationships, and various projects.  I know that the first few days after chemo are usually that way.  I just don't know what to do with myself at times.  But onward we trudge through dr.'s, tests, questions, phone calls, needles, and trying to keep a positive outlook on things. 

It's interesting watching the change of seasons...

Day 423 - 'one' temperature you can't ignore

My guy looks terrific in purple!

It's been a busy day.  Chemo first this morning, home for a late lunch, out in the back yard a couple times to keep things moving along.

When we arrived at the clinic for my treatment unfortunately my blood tests had not arrived so they were searching for that.  Also Ray had even suggested I put my blood test results in my blue binder that I take with me to the clinic and I forgot, poop.  Then I started to tell them about my fever all week and my quick visit to the Ladner emergency room...

Day 422 - 'one' full hourglass

Little Halcie

I was thinking about the hourglass timer this morning and wondered how it would look for my life? The first thing I envisioned was how full the bottom part is already.  I actually don't think it really started filling fast until I met my hubby.  Until then I was just growing, learning and preparing for adulthood.  But nothing prepares you more for life than living it, no matter what you read in the books!  I have met many a university scholar that thought they knew all about life until they actually took some time off learning and started living...

Day 420 - 'one' moderately hot chick

Yep the fever is still visiting.  I actually got down in the 37's yesterday woohoo, mind you last night I hit the 39's again and felt yucky. 

The Dr. called yesterday following up on my emergency visit.  Actually it was my regular Dr.'s replacement as she took a week off to take her oldest one to kindergarten.  She asked me lots of questions and then started telling me about tumour fevers.  Tumour fevers happen when a tumour on your liver or kidney is doing something.  I asked if I would have it all the time now and she said possibly...

Day 418 - 'one' decision made

It's been an odd last few days.  My fever comes and goes but at least I haven't had to make a run to emergency again, woohoo!  I spend a lot of time just laying around waiting for energy to make its way back into my body.  I'm soooooo disappointed that this is how I have to spend my week off, sheesh! 

A package arrived yesterday from a fellow cancer conquerer.  It's always great to hear how others are doing...

Day 416 - 'one' hot chick

that's what I was tonight.  I took my temp after getting up from a nap, I just didn't feel right.  Very weak.  My temp at that time was 38.5, crap that's the temp that they ask you to go to the hospital with.  We thought we would give it another hour and see if it goes down.  I had the chills by this time.  An hour later and my temp was 39.2, crap again...

Day 415 - 'one' tell all fire

I am so grateful for my Ray.

Yep...I had one of those the other day. That is, a fire that is more than just the BIG flames that I saw.  Not that big of flames, I'm just adding some drama.  Although my hubby may argue that one. 

I started my day as normal, you know, my morning routine of hot water and lemon, writing in my journal, doing my tai chi etc, etc, etc.  A small part of this routine is lighting candles on my desk.  I used to have one candle but then I added a couple more because each candle represented 10 years of loving life ahead of me, so 3 candles meant 30 years, if you didn't already figure that one out I thought I would help you. LOL

In the middle of my routine that morning the phone rang so I got up to answer it and then Ray arose from bed etc, etc, etc.  Well...guess what I forgot to do.  Part of this story is that the candles were in a beautiful wooden candle holder that Ray had made.  So...when flames hit wood what happens?  Yep, you got it, we have fire!

I came around the corner and saw flames, big fat flames.  I ran up to it and yelled 'fire!'.  This is one of Ray's favorite words.  By the time you could hear the thud, thud, thud of Ray's footsteps, I had blown out the fire and white wax was splattered all over the table, my books and papers.  What a mess!

I miss my homemade yogurt.
I can't have any cold so yogurt is off
the list.  wahhhhh

The point of this story is not the fire, it's not the candle holder, it's what I learned afterwards.  The other day when Ray and I were playing our daily game of cards he mentioned that he was glad that I didn't replace the previous homemade candelabra with a new holder and candles.  You see, when Ray was young his family had a few fires and one did major damage to their home.  I asked him why he didn't mention it before and he said he knew how much the candles meant to me and didn't want to ruin it for me.  Yep that's my guy!

So we decided that I will find something else to use that doesn't use an actual candle or flame.  I really should not be doing an open flame anyways because of the prescriptions I'm on give me a tendency to forget things never mind my age memory problems as well.  Those candles don't mean that much to me that I want him to worry every time I light them.  After being together for so long you learn that a successful relationship is about compromise.  It's not about getting things your way or proving that you are right, it's about each person's feelings being considered and a common ground being found for the issue.

ahhhhh my little box of goodies.

It doesn't work all the time but with the way our life is right now it's more important than ever that we spend time working things out right away and not letting them fester.  You see we can't waste time...not a moment.  We don't know how long we have together, nobody does, but we face that reality every day and we are grateful for that.  We are grateful that we know each day how important it is not to let the little things bother you, they still do, we do argue but we don't let it go on and on and on and on. 

So one little fire can mean so much more than just the flame especially if you don't burn the house down!  On the search we will go to find a solution that works for both of us.  But it means so much more than he didn't want to tell me it bothered him and that he finally told me it did.  Weird eh?

My tummy is still bothering me quite a bit, I may have to up my pain meds to make sure that I can continue to have fun and not let it hinder what I want to do for the day. Yesterday we went to an organic market in Burnaby and then we spent the time driving home stopping at a few garage sales, trying to get into another market and then we went out for lunch.  It felt so good just to take things as we found them and not do the hurry, hurry back home.  Yep we just enjoyed the time riding in the old comet and enjoying each other's company.  I'll say it again...you CAN gain time but you need to grab ahold of it and STOP and that's where you will find it.  Right under your feet, just slow down and enjoy it! Finding time is not about fitting more into your life, it's about stopping and enjoying time.  Here's wishing you find some time today.

signed 'one' flame less purple ladybug

Day 413 - 'one' impression I don't want to give

Travelling the high wire
of life...are we there yet?

is that when I put all the stuff on facebook and my blog is that I'm bragging about what I'm doing.  That would bother me to the core if people thought that I was doing that.  I just get so excited when I get to do things and love to share my excitement with people.  But somehow I need to make sure I'm not trying to be better than anyone else.  I know I'm not, I don't try to seem that way and I need to change my writing style if it comes across that way...yep, some days are like the 'old' Victoria, let's see what should I worry about today. ;-) At least that grumpy lady from the ferry is WAYYYYY back in my mind now...

Day 412 - 'one' grumpy lady



Gramma's got smile dimples. I know,
I know, they're wrinkles but I like
dimples much better! LOL



no, no, no I'm not talking about me.  At least not today anyways.  It's been a day of winding down, doing some all important napping and sadly cleaning up the project piles around the house.  All the prep work is now a distant memory.  But I swear I've looked at the photos from our trip 3 times today and reading over and over all the wonderful comments that everyone has left...

Day 411 - 'one' odd gene

Our first stop...a real lighthouse to go inside!

Are you surprised?  Well you shouldn't be, I've always been abnormal and always will be! LOL

What a wonderful time we had the last 3 days with 5 of our grandkids in Sooke on Vancouver Island.  I'm not sure who was more tired, Gramma and Grandpa or the kiddo's.  But by the 3rd day we all hit the beach and became sand lumps...

Day 407 - 'one' can only look forward

It's been an interesting week.  A little drama, a whole lot of insight and lots of confusing thoughts.  But we're moving forward now.  Focusing on those that truly show they care and realizing that a year later from my original diagnosis I am surrounded by smart, intelligent, BIG no HUGE hearted, loving, beautiful people that push me when I need it and pull me back when I need it to.  Who could ask for me...

Day 405 - 'one' more apology

Ahhh tunnel vision.

Yep, that's the way I will start my day again today.  Perhaps it's not an apology but a revelation this morning when I read over my blog and then sat to write in my journal...

Day 404 - 'one' way of looking at it

Working on the screen printing
stencil for the tshirts

It's been a busy day of running around getting groceries, stuff for our camping trip and listening to the voices inside my head.  I started my day very early and needed to get something said that was bothering me since I went to bed the night before.  I needed to apologize for something I said.  I needed to take responsibility for my actions and be the person that I want to be...

Day 403 - 'one' funny day

I guess I DO live in a make believe world!

yep that's what it's been, one funny day.  A day full of emotions all over the place.  I wanna be a kid again so I can just forget about everything and sit and play with my lego, climb onto the roof of the house or sit and color.  Well I guess I can 2 out of those 3 but I'm not saying which two!

It's funny how life sends you a loop sometimes, you don't know why at the time but with patience I will know.  The things you thought were getting better can remind you that they are not.  The idea that you can send love out but you can't control if you get loved back...